Saturday, May 29, 2010

Google Analytics is a ClusterFuc!

Do not get me wrong. I love statistics for my blogs. I am OBSESSED tracking the data. Ooohh...look what post got the most hits. Aahhhh...where are my referrals coming from? Aha! How many page views this week? or even I had no idea folks are spending 2.5 minutes on my blog.

My blog is in which means I host it myself at BlueHost (which I love because they have awesome customer support), and I moved my Wordpress Stats over.

But then DesignTrackMind starting asking me about new visitors versus returning visitors and Wordpress Stats doesn't track that. So, she tsk tsked me and told me to add Google Analytics and that is when the clusterfuc! began (pardon my French!).
  • Signing up is the easy part.
  • Finding your code is sort of easy. But good luck locating it later as it's in a weird, non intuitive spot.
  • In fact the whole Google Analytic site seems like it was designed to MindFuc! everyone because nothing makes sense on the site.
  • So I add the code and it's totally NOT clear where it should go on my seems to indicate that I should put the HTML code on every page. Which I do. Which is very time consuming. And fuc!s up by Feedburner email subscription so now it's not working.
  • So I now I have to strip the Google Analytic code from every post (200+) which takes me hours and cramps my hand.
  • Does the code go into some template page in my Blog? Unclear on the site!! And which page? Unclear on their site? And where on the Template page? You see where I'm going with this?
  • So I don't dare mess with the backend HTML code on my site so I Google for help and find that you can use a plugin instead for Google Analytics although the cleanest way IS to embed into a Template HTML page in the dark recesses of my blog.
  • So I actually research which Google Analytic widget because there are MANY!
  • I actually find the correct widget that gets 5 stars because there are SEVERAL!
  • I actually install it (correctly!) and activate it ... and I get flatline reports because I didn't input my Google Analytics code.
  • So I do that...go to the site and find my code and then put in precisely as instructed which, again, has murky instructions.
  • And guess what?! Yes! It fuc!s up my site which has "script" running issues and runs slower than molasses.
  • When I call the nice folks at BlueHost to see if I need more space, they indicate that the Google Analytics plugin is a dicey thing and that they've been fielding questions on it for a while.
  • So, I deactivate the dam! thing, and guess what: my blog runs fine now!
So...goodbye very professional stats but I can NOT deal with you! Get yourself together Google Analytics! Redo your site. Don't use wonkheads to design it who probably wrote the code for the tracking. Do some Usability research and get a UI designer and an Interaction Designer to make your site work for non technical human beings. Or monkeys. Yes! Design it so that a monkey can figure out your site or WE ARE FINISHED! Yes, I am dumping you because YOU SUCK and YOU HAVE SCREWED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!

Hah! Deep breath! Yes, I feel a lot better!

Pragmatic Mom
Type A Parenting for the Modern World
I won't be able to tell you how many pages views, new visitors, or what % of visitors leave my blog after one click, but I blog on parenting, education and children's lit.


  1. It almost looks french when you lose the "k" - I am - for now - satisfied with wordpress ( stats.

  2. Thank you- I have spent part of the last month wrestling with Google Analytics; trying, avoiding, then trying again. Currently do not have any Google Analytics working, but soon I'm going to pay for help.